Why was I so generous with my nuts?

At the end of my tenure at my previous job (company name withheld to prevent corporate embarrassment in case I decide to make this blog all about vegetable porn), I gave away half a jar of Planter's Dry Roasted Peanuts to my good friend and office mate. Unfortunately, this afternoon at work I was wracked with hunger pangs with no nuts to curb my cravings. I sat there for a few minutes and daydreamed about opening my jar of nuts and partaking in their salty goodness.

Imagining their delectable taste led to ruminations on the very nature of their preparation. What exactly is dry roasting? Can you wet roast something? Doesn't the act of roasting imply a certain amount of dryness? Of course, there's only one man to ask about all things roast, and unfortunately he is at said previous employer.

So to you, Andrew, I say enjoy my nuts. I hope they bring you as much satisfaction as they did to me.

Holy Schneikies!!

Just saw the top story on the local news tonight - a double shooting in Westminster. Apparently it happened around 9pm, one victim dead at the scene, the other flown to Shock Trauma, condition unknown. Victims were "discovered" I guess you could say, at a gas station near MD 97 and Magna Way. Suspect is still at large, and State Police have been using choppers to aid in the search.

Around 9:30 tonight Jaime and I heard a chopper fly pretty low overhead. Now I know what it was. I'm not scared or threatened, but it is kind of unsettling to hear about something like that happening in your town of residence, especially when really nasty crimes like that are extremely rare in the county, let alone the city.

I hope they catch the perp(s) soon.

From the It's a Damn Shame Dept.

I watched the latest episode of Arrested Development tonight. Perhaps it was just the extended hiatus, but it seemed funnier than I remembered. Which I guess is a bad thing, as far as Fox execs are concerned. The real question is, why aren't people watching this show? It can't be entirely blamed on the lack of focused advertisement by Fox. Do people really need a laugh track to know when to laugh, or know what they're supposed to think is funny? Perhaps, though Malcolm in the Middle doesn't have one either, and it's survived five or six seasons now (another example of comic brilliance, IMO, but that's another discussion). Is the show too smart to be appreciated by Joe Sixpack? Maybe, but even if that's the case there are plenty of people in America who could appreciate the humor. They could easily provide the ratings necessary to sustain the show.

Who knows? Maybe an Emmy isn't worth the gold it's crafted out of. Ultimately, I think I'd like to see them move the show to FX. I think it would do really well there.

Oh Sweet of Sweets!

Apparently, Civilization IV was released on October 25. Where the hell was I?!? I didn't even realize it until I saw it in Target over the weekend. And man oh man, does it look cherry. I can't wait to get my hands on a copy. Of course, maybe I won't have much time, seeing as there is that whole fatherhood thing...

Flanagan's Wake

I don't want to spend all night on this (because I could), but just a few thoughts on the state of the O's and the upcoming winter meetings. I think I'm ready for a major shake-up of the team. It really feels like I've been staring at the same tired team (except for the big-name signings the past couple years) season after season. Luckily, Ponson is no longer here, so at least there will be less sweat draining out of the bullpen...

A lot of teams are looking to wheel & deal next week, and I think Flanagan would be foolhardy not to make some bold moves. If nothing else, at least generate some new interest in the team. Last season really burned a lot of fans, and if things don't change considerably, I think a lot of those fans will lose interest completely. So, what's a GM - no, excuse me, that's executive vice president of baseball operations - to do? First, identify your untouchables: Tejada, Javy Lopez, Roberts, Mora, Cabrera, most of our minor leaguers. Not a very long list, is it? Everyone else should be available for swap. Just don't whore out the minor league system again! It's finally starting to produce good youngsters after years of being decimated by shitty trades.

Apparently Lo Duca is on the block, and Javy says first base will be no problem. Sounds good to me, move him and pick up Lo Duca. Pierre's available too? I'd snag him just to spite Steinbrenner. Rumors abound about a Benson/Julio deal with the Mets. JUMP ALL OVER THAT!! Benson isn't exactly Zito, but I hate Julio with a passion and I think Benson would do well under Mazzone. Speaking of Zito, make sure we're at the top of Oakland's list. And just for the hell of it, get into the Manny sweepstakes. I don't think Boston would consider an intra-divisional trade for him, but why not inquire? He's one of the few guys in baseball worth every penny he makes.

All I'm saying is, let's make things happen. Not something, but things. Multiple deals, Flanny. Baltimore is tired of cheering a loser and being overwhelmed by visitors when Boston and NY come to town. I'm already excited about spring training in general, but make me look forward to the Orioles' season again. My season ticket renewal depends on it.

Bandwidth Buster of the Day

Slightly NSFW ads, and there's a little bit of a frat guy's bare ass so maybe home is the best place to view. The best line has to be, "Pull your sack up so it sticks out." I know you're curious - check it out!

Who's running these American auto companies?

There are plenty of reasons why Americans are choosing foreign imports over domestic automobiles, in all classes. Let's assume for the moment, however, that two sedans are just about equal in every way, including price. What sways a buyer one way or the other? I'll bet that not many people would consider the name noteworthy. Sure there are famous gaffes of American models in other countries (the Chevy Nova comes to mind), but as long as it's not called the Ford Turdsteamer, what does the name matter? Ah, but it's my contention that it does matter, perhaps more than American auto manufacturers realize, especially for luxury vehicles.

Presenting the Homer!

The following is a list of several American car and SUV models: Avalanche, Aveo, Aviator, Cobalt, Durango, Equinox, Escape, Expedition, Explorer, Focus, Freestyle, Fusion, Impala, LS, Magnum, Malibu, Malibu Maxx, Navigator, Neon, Stratus, Trailblazer, and Zephyr. They aren't all bad, and some seem to really capture the attitude of their respective vehicles. But names like Aveo, Freestyle, Fusion, Malibu (don't forget the Maxx!!), Neon, and Zephyr? Are you kidding me?

What about the popular Japanese and German imports? 3 series, 5 series, C class, M class, G35, FX45, M, TL, RL, MDX, RS, RX, etc. Granted, these are all considered luxury-class cars, but my point should be obvious - no dumb names! I really like Lincoln's new Zephyr, but nobody wants to say, "Hey, I drive a Zephyr!" (Well, okay, I can think of a couple people who might want to say that. :) ) But seriously, especially for that market, what sounds more impressive and prestigious - the Zephyr, or the 335i? The Malibu or the TL? The Durango or the RX 330?

Perception is Everything

It isn't all about bragging, either. Does the Malibu sound like a solid, well-constructed automobile with many of the latest advancements in comfort and engine and transmission technology? Do you get the feeling that the best and brightest worked tirelessly to bring you the Focus? I sure don't. On the other hand, my mental picture and impression is completely the opposite when I think of the G35, or FX45. Two cars could be practically identical, but I would just feel better driving a TL than I would a Malibu Maxx.

I don't mean to imply that a name change alone will revitalize the American auto industry. I do think it would certainly help. And I have to wonder - if the powers that be in American auto companies think names like Malibu (Maxx!!), Fusion, Freestyle, Focus, Neon, Magnum (the rubber jokes alone should have been a glaring red flag), and Zephyr are good ideas, then what other "good ideas" are getting the thumbs up?

No beef! Steak or chicken?

That was the statement and subsequent question asked me when I tried to order two Chipotle Grilled-Stuft burritos from Taco Bell the other day. She asked what kind, and I said beef. Yikes. Maybe it's time to put some more effort into her EASL homework, eh?

Oh now that was just insensitive...

From the Pathetic College Football Dept.

Ha ha! You suck Miami! The Hokies have new life in the ACC. Now I'm fired up again, and I want Florida State.

Hey Wheat Thins! Take your top off!

Family Guy has become the new anchor of Fox Sunday nights, supplanting The Simpsons which has become patently unfunny. What the hell happened? The past two seasons were simply atrocious, and this season has forced me to make a decision I thought I would never have to make - should I continue watching new episodes of The Simpsons?

[Insert punch line here]

Long gone are the glory days of Conan O'Brien. Sharp, sometimes biting satire coupled with silly and often sweet humor have been replaced by template episodes riddled with awful yuks reminiscent of the DJ 3000 ("Don't praise the machine!"). While some satire remains, nearly all of the jokes have lost their silly quality and have drifted into the "dumb for the sake of being dumb" category. I've lost count of how many times Homer has claimed not to be guilty of some behavior and then do it as soon as he finishes talking. Hardy har har.

You're fired. Aw geez, for how long?

Thankfully, Family Guy has come roaring back to save the collective asses of Fox programming executives. The three episodes I've seen this season (the rest are tucked away safely on my Tivo) have had me cackling out loud for most of the show. Osama bin Laden's outtakes reel followed by the title homage to Police Squad!/The Naked Gun was simply brilliant. The Simpsons used to have that gutty, satirical edge. That's what kept the show popular for so long. "Don't have a cow man" has only a short comedic lifetime, but social and political commentary are forever. Here's hoping that the writers of Family Guy understand that and keep up the great work.

Bandwidth Buster of the Day

Until I can sit down and actually post something lucid, you're stuck with referrals to the strangest the Web has to offer. God knows why these guys did what they did, but the attention to detail is impressive. I just wonder if they're hip to the Cochrane/Consopolis discrepancy?

Long live Full House!

From the Priceless Halloween Costume Dept.

The movie is the very definition of lame, but the resulting Halloween costume made me laugh... harder than I laughed at the movie.

Wilkommen, bienvenu, welcome, c'mon in!

Feeling grievously uncool, I've decided to join the millions of others in the online movement that is sweeping the planet. A capital idea! And if I get lucky, maybe someone will actually read this God-forsaken tripe.

Toodles!